The Difference Between Bribing and Rewarding Your Child
Abby Barnes, M.S., CCC-SLP
This article was last updated on September 25, 2024. We’ve added a new FAQ section and helpful links to provide more information and answer common questions about behavior rewards for children. Our goal is to keep our content fresh and relevant, so you have access to the most up-to-date information. All parents have their own styles and strategies for raising their children. And one common tool in our toolbox--although not everyone likes to admit it--is good old-fashioned bribing.
At first glance, the word “bribing” may conjure up some negative feelings. Sure, we'd all love for our kids to do exactly as they're told without needing something in return. But is it bad to bribe your child for good behavior?
Here's the good news: If you're a parent who occasionally offers your child the promise of candy or toys (no judgement--we’ve all been there), you may not actually be bribing them. Rather, the reinforcement you're providing may actually be a reward. There's a fine line between these two concepts, but it's an important one for caregivers to understand.
Read on to learn the differences between a bribe and reward, why parents should reward their children, plus some appropriate reward systems to try with your child. We'll also touch on whether you should use rewards to help your child practice their speech.
The difference between bribing and rewarding your child
Let’s start by reviewing some similarities and differences between bribes and rewards.
Bribes and rewards are both used to motivate a child to do something. The key difference is that bribes are given in the midst of a negative behavior, while it's happening. A reward is decided on ahead of time. Let's look at an example of bribing a child. Say your toddler is crying and throwing a temper tantrum. You decide to offer them an ice cream as long as they calm down. This is a bribe. Although it wasn't your intention, you positively reinforced their negative behavior.
How does bribing affect children? When kids are routinely bribed, they start to learn that acting poorly is key to getting something they want. This can perpetuate a cycle of bad behavior.
Bribes are given in the midst of a negative behavior. A reward is decided on ahead of time.
Rewards, on the other hand, are discussed and determined ahead of time between you and your child. You can also offer your child a reward after they've completed a desired task. Either way, your child only receives the reward once they've displayed positive behavior. They learn to connect the good behavior to the reward.
Here’s an example of rewarding your child. You tell your child in advance that you'll buy them an ice cream cone once they clean their room. Or maybe your child is extra cooperative at their doctor’s appointment, and you decide to buy them an ice cream afterward. In both cases, they begin to clearly understand that getting something they want requires that they act as expected.
Why should you avoid bribing your child?
To sum up, bribing is a short-term solution that can create long-term problems. It can be very tempting to give a child something in the moment to stop their unwanted behavior. Most parents have done it! However, over time, bribing can create problems that could have been avoided by using a reward system instead.
How children can benefit from a reward system
Should parents reward their children? You don't want to reward your child after every little thing they do. However, it's healthy and productive to offer rewards after your child completes tasks that are hard or unpleasant for them.
Think about it: Adults need motivation and rewards, too. As humans, we respond to incentives. We're much more inclined to do certain tasks or behave in certain ways if we know there's a reward on the other side. Working overtime at your job is a great example. Many of us wouldn't agree to put in extra hours without being compensated.
Rewarding your child follows the same concept, and their positive response to rewards is developmentally normal. The trick is to make sure you find the right reward system for your child. Let’s look at how to make sure the reward is appropriate for the situation at hand.
How to choose a reward for your child
There are different types of reward systems for kids. In order for a reward to be effective, it has to be something your child wants and that fits their personality. Take a look at these ideas for rewards for children. Which would be motivating for your little one?
Verbal encouragement: Saying something as simple as “Great job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” is considered a reward. Those words create positive feelings for kids. You can even offer high fives and fist bumps. This type of encouragement is easy to provide, can be offered for tasks big and small, and best of all, it's free!
Stickers and reward charts: Some children respond well to stickers as a motivating force. That's why in many classrooms you'll find a sticker chart, which can be easily recreated at home! Try to use stickers your child loves--maybe of their favorite animals, characters, or even a classic smiley face or gold star. You can also use stickers to work toward a bigger reward. For example, every sticker your child gets is placed on a calendar. Then, at the end of the week or month, if they have enough stickers, your child can pick out a bigger prize that you've agreed upon beforehand.
Make sure that the reward is equal to the amount of work your child completed.
A tasty treat: Food is a big motivator! (That goes for both kids and grownups.) For simpler, everyday tasks, you can allow your child to pick out an extra snack at home. For a bigger reward, you can go out for ice cream or choose a special treat at the store. Just remember to keep the size of the reward equal to the difficulty of the job completed.
Letting your child choose the reward: To give your child a sense of control, allow them to pick their own reward (within the options that you provide, of course). You could let your child pick one chore to skip for the week, choose dessert for the night, choose a new toy or book, or maybe get some extra playtime outside.
As mentioned, you want to make sure that the incentive is equal to the amount of work your child completed. Why? If you tell your child they get a new toy every time they clean their room, you may have a spotless room--but that'll get expensive quickly! Your child may then come to expect a much larger reward if they complete a harder task or clean another room in the house. You'll likely run out of ideas, and your child may lose motivation. So make sure the rewards are appropriate for the task at hand.
What about rewards for practicing speech and language?
Finally, let's discuss rewards related to teaching your child speech and language skills.
Your child has to be motivated to talk. There's nothing wrong with providing rewards when they use words or gestures to communicate. There is actually a term for this: communication temptations.
Communication temptations are basically a way to encourage a child to communicate. If a child sees a cookie on the table, but they can’t quite reach it, they may be motivated to verbally ask for help. If they want to swing, but need some momentum, they may use a gesture to request a push.
You can create these situations at home by offering your child a toy, snack, treat, or anything desirable, without rushing to give it to them right away. You can either place the desirable item just slightly out of reach of your child, so they have to say or do something to communicate that they want it. You could also show them choices for a snack or toy, without automatically handing it to them.
The key is to not hurry to give the child what they want. This is where the temptation piece comes in. We have to give a child time to process, problem solve, and learn to use speech to get what they want. The reward will prompt your child to start communicating in other situations, too, helping them grow their speech and language skills.
FAQs about bribing and rewarding children
1. What’s the difference between bribing and rewarding a child?
The key difference is timing. Bribes are offered during negative behavior, while rewards are planned ahead of time or given after positive behavior. If your child is struggling with their speech or language, a reward system can help motivate them to communicate. Take our free screener to see if your child’s speech is developing on track.
2. Is it bad to bribe your child when they’re having a meltdown?
It’s not a good idea to bribe your child when they’re in the middle of a tantrum or meltdown. This can teach them that acting poorly is key to getting what they want. Tantrums can be hard to deal with, and they may be a sign that your child is having a tough time communicating. You can take our free screener to learn if your child’s communication skills are typical for their age.
3. Is it OK to reward my child for using words to communicate?
Yes! A reward system can be a great way to motivate kids to communicate. If you’re looking for ways to support your toddler with their speech and language, schedule a free consultation call with one of our specialists.
4. When should I be concerned if my child isn’t talking much?
If your child doesn’t use many words or often has tantrums, trust your gut. You can learn about the communication milestones expected by age in our Learning Center. Taking our free screener is another way to find out if your child is on track with their speech and language development.
