Abby Barnes, M.S., CCC-SLP
It’s not always easy having a brother or sister with special needs, such as autism, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, or other diagnoses. While research shows that this experience can strengthen a person’s empathy, patience, and adaptability, having a sibling with special needs is also linked to higher rates of mental health issues.
It’s no secret that parents and caregivers of children with special needs are spread thin. If they have more than one child, they may worry about overlooking their typically developing children. And that can be an overwhelming concern to add to an already full load.
Fortunately, there are simple things you can do to support all of your children’s needs. It starts with awareness–understanding how siblings of kids with special needs may react to their family dynamic.
Tips to support siblings of children with special needs
Here are some common reactions children may experience when they have a sibling with special needs–and tips for how parents can help.
The need to be perfect
The sibling’s anxiety levels may skyrocket if they make a mistake. They may feel like a failure. Since this child doesn't have special needs, they feel they have no room for error. This standard of perfection is impossible to achieve, and it often leads to feelings of inadequacy.
How caregivers can help: Allow your children to make mistakes! Ask them what they learned as a result. Frame mistakes as a teaching tool and something that everyone experiences, rather than a threat to their intelligence or capabilities.
Being a people-pleaser
People-pleasing starts as parent-pleasing. Your child may anticipate your needs before you’ve even said a word, because that’s when they’ll receive praise and love from you. They might track your mood and strive to make you proud while doing their best to never rock the boat.
How caregivers can help: Express your love to your children in a variety of ways. Show your children that they don’t have to do anything to be loved by you. Randomly hug them or share a snack with them. Actively listen to them talk about school, friends, or anything else. Carving out that time can take just a few minutes, but it will make a world of difference for both of you!
Feeling like they can’t express feelings
A child with special needs may have complex challenges. When their sibling has an issue, whether it’s a problem with a friend or an academic struggle, it may seem small in comparison.
How caregivers can help: Seeing your child express an emotion other than happiness can be difficult. And their struggles may seem minor compared to the laundry list of issues facing your child with special needs. However, their feelings about their problems (no matter how insignificant they may seem) are valid. It’s healthy for kids to express an array of emotions, and not having the space to show their feelings or have them validated may stunt their emotional growth. Encourage your children to share their feelings, and listen without judgement or blame.
Being afraid to ask for help
Your child doesn’t want to add to your plate (which is already filled to the brim!). They may become extremely independent and never ask for help for fear of being a “burden.”
How caregivers can help: Your child with special needs may take up much of your time–to the point where you don’t even have time for yourself! With that said, help your child when you can, and if you can’t, reinforce how great it is that they’ve asked for help. Recommend someone else who can step in, such as an older sibling, grandparent, neighbor, or friend.
Feeling like they have to grow up quickly
From feeling 100% responsible for handling their own problems, to feeling responsible for their sibling with special needs, there are moments when your child may feel they have to grow up quickly.
How caregivers can help: Give your child the space to be a kid! Let them be playful and silly, and join them if you can. It will create wonderful memories together.
Remember, people who have siblings with special needs often develop strong empathy, tolerance, and resilience. But as a parent, being aware of the potential challenges can help you support all of your children, in whatever way(s) they need.
