New Research: Keeping Your Marriage Strong When Your Child Has Special Needs
Alexis Irazoque, M.S., CCC-SLP
Building and maintaining a strong marriage takes effort, especially when parenting is involved. The mental and physical load that comes with raising kids can sometimes feel overwhelming!
For couples who have a child with a disability or special needs, the strain can be even greater. Conditions such as autism, apraxia, cognitive delays, and genetic disorders not only impact a child's ability to communicate, but also influence many aspects of their lives and their families' dynamics. Those added stressors can affect your relationship with your partner.
Recent research shows that while parents of special needs children have varying levels of stress, certain factors influence how much these challenges affect their marriage. Let’s take a look at the findings, along with some practical tips for keeping your relationship strong while raising a child with disabilities.
Study focused on autism and Down syndrome
The study was published in 2022 in the Journal of Intellectual & Developmental Disability. It looked at the experiences of 213 couples living in the U.S. and Canada. The study specifically focused on two groups: about half of the couples had a child with autism spectrum disorder, and the other half had a child with Down syndrome. Researchers wanted to understand how these parents' experiences influenced the quality of their marriages.
How the study was conducted
The couples took a survey that asked about their daily lives, including the challenges they faced and the good moments they had as parents. The study focused on "uplifts"—small, positive experiences that help reduce daily stress. It looked at how these uplifts, along with stress levels and the availability of respite care (temporary help for caregivers), affected the couples' marriages.
What did the study show?
The research results revealed some interesting patterns:
Key findings for parents of children with autism: Couples who had more positive moments (uplifts) and less stress had better marriages. This was especially true for wives, who felt more satisfied in their marriages when their husbands also reported more uplifts and less stress. Having regular respite care was also directly linked to better marriages.
Key findings for parents of children with Down syndrome: Both wives and husbands who reported more uplifts had less stress and better marriages. In this group, respite care was indirectly linked to better marriages by helping to lower stress levels.
Parents who regularly found positive moments and had access to consistent respite care were more likely to have healthier marriages.
The study didn’t explain all the reasons for the differences between these groups. However, one possibility is that husbands might not be as involved in daily caregiving, leading to different stress levels and marital experiences. However, the study made it clear that no matter whether the child had autism or Down syndrome, parents who regularly found positive moments and had access to consistent respite care were more likely to have stronger and healthier marriages.
While more research is needed, it’s clear that finding uplifting moments and taking regular breaks are important for maintaining a healthy relationship while raising a child with special needs.
How to find moments of "uplift"
Uplifts are small, positive experiences that can bring joy and help balance the challenges of daily life. As this study shows, being able to recognize moments of uplift is important.
Before becoming a parent, you might have pictured having conversations with your child, hearing their thoughts, or listening to them talk about their day. After a diagnosis, those dreams may feel uncertain. It’s OK to grieve the life you imagined for your child. But this doesn’t mean there’s no joy and happiness in the future.
The joy in simple moments can be powerful. For example, the first time your child says “Mama” or “Dada” might become a cherished memory. When that moment happens, the excitement and happiness are real and deeply rewarding.
These small moments remind you that happiness is still part of your journey, even if it looks different from what you expected.
An uplift might happen when your child uses a sign to communicate what they want, or laughs with glee when you push them on the swing. On some days, an uplift might simply be getting out of the house for school with minimal challenges. These small moments remind us that happiness is still part of your journey, even if it looks different from what you expected. Embracing these experiences can bring new hope and joy to your life as a parent.
“A lot of power comes when parents choose to perceive their situations in a favorable light. When parents of these children look at the good things that happen… the difficulties become more manageable and stress is mitigated,” explained study co-author Tina Taylor of Brigham Young University.
7 expert tips for married parents of children with disabilities
As parents of a child with special needs, you have an important role—one that you may not have expected to take on. This journey can be tough, but with the right strategies, you can keep your marriage strong while caring for your child. Many couples have found ways to balance these demands. Here are some expert tips to help you do the same.
1 Acknowledge the learning curve
Parenting a child with special needs often means learning new skills. Sometimes one parent catches on more quickly than the other, leading to tension or frustration. It’s important to accept where each of you are in the process. Be kind and patient with each other, knowing you’re both doing your best.
2 Manage difficult emotions
It’s normal to feel anger, guilt, resentment, or regret when dealing with a tough diagnosis or challenging behaviors. These feelings can strain your relationship and take away time that could be spent helping your child. Try to avoid blaming your partner. Instead, remember that you're on the same team. Work together to support your child and each other.
3 Expand your support system
Many parents of special needs children feel alone because they don’t get much support from family, friends, or the community. This can be overwhelming. Think about how you can expand your “family” to include others who want to help. Create a support team of family members, friends, and professionals who can share in the care of your child. Invite them to join in family activities and let them help with the responsibilities.
4 Make time for each other
It’s easy to let your relationship slide when you’re busy with caregiving. But spending quality time together is important. Plan date nights and make time for each other—even if “date night” is a late dinner at the kitchen table with candles and music.
Resist the urge to only catch up on chores or watch TV after the kids are in bed. Use that time to connect with your partner. Experts suggest trying to spend at least 30 minutes each day focused on your relationship.
5 Try new things together
Do things together that aren’t just about your kids. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe, playing a board game, taking a class (online or in person), or starting a hobby, exploring new things as a couple can create happy memories and make your relationship stronger. It gives you something to talk about besides daily parenting duties.
6 Stay involved in your child’s therapy
Both parents should be active in your child’s therapy, whether it’s speech, occupational, physical, or behavioral. This helps you stay on the same page and reinforces your teamwork in supporting your child’s development.
7 Don’t forget self-care
Caring for a child with special needs can be exhausting, so it’s important to take time for yourself. Whether it’s grocery shopping alone, golfing, or reading a book, finding time to relax is crucial. Schedule regular “me time” to recharge and reduce stress. Taking care of yourself helps you be a better partner and parent.
Keeping any marriage healthy takes effort, but raising a child with special needs adds extra challenges. By working together as a team and giving your relationship the attention it needs, you can build a rewarding marriage that thrives through the difficult and happy times.
