Abby Barnes, M.S., CCC-SLP
When you’re a preteen or teen, it can be hard to make new friends. Kids have a lot to navigate during this stage of life: school, puberty, sports and other activities, and social relationships. Learning how to make friends or deal with changing friendships is a major focus for many preteens and teens.
Communication and social skills are a big part of friendship. Let’s look at three practical ways you can guide your child along the path of friendships in middle school and high school.
1. Starting conversations with others
Sometimes, striking up a conversation feels like the hardest part of making a new friend. Your teen might be on the shy or introverted side. They may not know what to say, or they just might feel awkward.
Conversations can start in a lot of ways::
Introducing yourself
Making a statement
Asking a question
If you think your teen could grow in this area, spend some time practicing conversation starters with them. It may feel silly, but you can practice introducing yourselves to each other, and asking “How’s your day going?” or “How’re you doing?” This way, your child will feel more comfortable trying this with someone new.
If an introduction isn’t needed, you can practice other conversation starters. The key is to look for a question that’s general, like “How’s your day going?,” or one that’s relatable to both people. For example, if your child is at a sports practice, they might ask another player, “Have you played football before?” or “What other sports do you play?”
You and your child can practice making comments that generate a conversation.
You and your child can also practice making comments that generate a conversation. Using the sports practice example, your child could say something like, “This drill is tough!” or “I’m excited about the first game.” Comments like this can be a great way to open the door for conversation.
Keeping a conversation going is just as important as starting one. As you practice with your teen or observe them with other kids, watch to see how easy it is for them to maintain a conversation. If you hear a lot of pauses, or general “OK” or “uh-huh” statements, this is something to practice together.
2. Look for friends with good qualities
It may be worth talking with your preteen or teen about how to find good friends. Qualities to look for in a friend may include:
Kindness
Respect
Humor
Helpfulness
Someone you feel happy around
Someone you can learn from
Someone you have things in common with
Sometimes, looking for friends in the right places, with the right qualities, can make everything fall into place.
Similarly, talk to your teen about how to be this type of friend for others. When we share these positive qualities with others, it makes them want to be around us. Think of it like the golden rule of friendship: Be the friend to others you’d like them to be to you!
3. Become the “inviter”
Your child may tend to sit back and wait for friends to invite them to something. Encourage them to try being the initiator! Ask your teen what they’d like to do with friends. Maybe they’d like to have them over to play video games, go to a movie or restaurant, or shoot hoops at the park.
Help your child practice inviting their friends to do something. They might do this by talking to their friend in person or by messaging them. With preteens, it may involve some communication between you and the friend’s parents. Try to make yourself available to help set up the plans. The more opportunities kids get to be together, the more these relationships can form.
Remember that all of these skills will take some practice. Work with your child and check in with them to see how things are going.
Could your child have a social communication delay?
Social communication, also known as social pragmatics, is the way we use communication appropriately in social situations. It involves understanding the “social rules” of interacting with other people. Here are some examples:
Participating in a back-and-forth conversation without interrupting
Understanding other people’s body language or facial expressions
Adjusting your communication style for different situations (such as talking to your teacher vs. talking with a friend)
Not everyone who has a hard time making friends has a social communication disorder. But struggles in these areas can overlap, so it’s worth learning more about.
After reviewing some examples of social communication, take some time to consider and watch how your child interacts with you and others. Observing your child will help you understand whether they simply need some help making friends, or if there’s more to the situation.
Speech therapy for social communication
For kids with social communication delays, speech therapy focused on social skills can be a big support. But how do you know if your teen would benefit from speech therapy? A licensed speech therapist can perform an evaluation to observe how your child communicates and assess their strengths and areas for growth.
Once the evaluation is complete, the speech therapist will determine whether speech therapy is recommended and how often. They will also work with you and your child to develop a treatment plan specific to your child’s needs. The goal of speech therapy is to help people develop communication skills that feel authentic to them, so they can more easily connect with others.
Speech therapy helps people develop communication skills that feel authentic to them, so they can more easily connect with others.
An important note: For autistic teens, speech therapy should be affirming of neurodiversity. Autistic people’s social communication skills may look different from what we typically expect, and that’s OK! Speech therapy should focus on the areas of social communication that matter to the person, and the skills they want to improve or develop. These are important questions to ask preteens and teens as they begin therapy.
If you decide to look for a speech therapist, be sure to talk to your child’s pediatrician. You can also schedule a free consultation call with a speech therapist at Expressable. We’d be happy to talk with you about your concerns and answer any questions. Expressable has an experienced team of speech therapists who love working with teens and helping them reach new goals!
