Abby Barnes, M.S., CCC-SLP
Humans can communicate in a variety of ways: with verbal speech, with gestures and body language, and of course, with the written word. That can include texting, messaging, emailing, commenting, using an old-fashioned pen and paper–these days, there are lots of forms of written communication!
Whether it’s for school, work, or social purposes, there are certain “social rules” of written communication that we all need to navigate. Read on to learn about the social communication skills for messaging people, and how teens and adults can use them.
What is social communication?
Social communication includes several aspects of verbal and nonverbal communication. Here are some examples of social communication skills:
Standing at an appropriate distance from your conversation partner
Making appropriate eye contact with, or looking toward, your conversation partner
Knowing how to greet or start a conversation with others
Maintaining a back-and-forth conversation; asking questions and commenting appropriately
Staying on topic in a conversation
Smoothly transitioning to a new topic
Understanding someone’s feelings or thoughts based on their verbal and nonverbal cues, such as their facial expression
Using natural-sounding inflection in your tone of voice
Why are social communication skills important?
Social communication helps us clearly communicate our intended message. It contributes to a give-and-take conversation in which both people feel included. Your body language and tone of voice can show the other person that you’re paying attention and care about what they have to say.
Social communication skills aren’t limited to face-to-face conversation, however. When you’re messaging with someone, be it by text, email, or any other way, the tone of your words matters. In written conversation, you still want to show that you’re listening, respond appropriately, and infer the other person’s meaning, even if they don’t spell it out.
Just like in-person conversations, you also need to be aware of whom you’re communicating with (a friend? an acquaintance? your boss?) and tailor your style accordingly. The tone you use and topics you discuss will be different depending on who you’re talking to. You may need to balance a sense of friendliness and formality.
Understanding these “social rules” can be difficult for some people. They may struggle to communicate appropriately in social situations. They may have difficulty with pragmatic language, which is how meaning is interpreted in verbal and nonverbal interactions.
Speech therapy can help people with a social communication disorder learn to navigate conversations and more easily interact with others. But anyone can benefit from reviewing the 5 tips for messaging people outlined below.
5 things to consider in your written communication
1 The mode of communication
With so many ways to contact someone, you may not be sure where to start. If you’re trying to reach your boss or a teacher, it’s best to stick with work- and school-related modes of communication. This may be email or your workplace’s instant messaging system.
When you’re talking with friends, you can use more personal, informal modes of communication. Texting and social media messaging are much more appropriate with people you know well and are close to.
2 The tone and topic of your message
When you message someone, ask yourself how formal the message should be. If it’s your teacher, manager, or a co-worker, it’s best to be more formal. Keep the topics professional, rather than personal. This probably isn’t the time to use a lot of slang, abbreviations, or emojis.
When talking with your friends, the conversation can be much more relaxed. You might simply be sending a joke or checking in to see how their day’s going. Your style and word choice can be more casual.
3 When to message someone
It may not seem important, but the time at which you send a message matters! Think about it like this: Would you pick up the phone to call someone at midnight? Or would you call your boss about a work question on a Sunday evening? Probably not! The same rules apply when texting, emailing, or instant messaging someone. In general, if your message can wait, don’t send it late at night or “off” hours.
A few exceptions apply: If it’s likely that the person has the option to silence notifications, or the notification won’t get pushed to their phone, it might be all right to send a late message. However, it’s best to talk with them about their preferences for receiving messages.
4 How often to message
Texting and instant messaging can give us a sense of instant gratification. We message someone, we receive a reply, and we get a little dopamine boost from that “ding” on our phone or computer.
But even if messaging feels instant, it’s normal for people to respond when they have time. They may get busy with other things or simply need some time to answer your question.
If you’ve messaged someone and don’t hear back quickly, don’t message again right away. Give the person some time, perhaps a day or two, then go ahead and send a courteous follow-up message. You can explain that you’re checking in and repeat your question or request.
Whether it’s your manager or a friend, keep your follow-up requests lighthearted and to the point. You never know when someone is overly busy, having a tough week, or just simply forgot to reply!
5 What to say when messaging someone
Some people have a hard time knowing how to start written communication. For work-related messages, it’s best to begin with a greeting, make a general comment (“Hope you enjoyed your weekend”), then state the purpose of your message. It may look like this.
“Hi [name]. Hope your day is off to a good start! I’m beginning my work on the report. When do you need it sent to you?”
If you’re communicating with a friend, try to balance the “back-and-forth” of the conversation. Let’s say your friend asks you about a concert you went to. Tell them about it and answer their questions, but make sure you turn the conversation back to them. You can try something like, “Have you ever seen the band in person?” or “Are you seeing any shows this summer?”
In this way, written communication is similar to spoken conversation. People enjoy talking about themselves and their interests. So make sure you give the person a chance to share about themselves, too!
